10 Months Without Rudy

Being a widow is different than I expected.  Not that I actually thought I knew what to expect.   I knew being without Rudy would be lonely, but I assumed I would stay busy and muddle through.  Well, it has nothing at all to do with staying busy.  Staying busy is a distraction, but no matter how busy, no matter how many fun things I do, I can't escape the feeling that everything is horribly wrong.

I'm not feeling hopeless. I don't need my friends to swoop in and rescue me.  I suspect there are still good things to come in my life.  I am not bored.  I have plenty to do.  I am not needing or wanting a prescription fix.  I'm resourceful and strong.  I'll build a new life and if that life is on my own, I'll eventually figure out how to make that nice.  But right now, at 10 months, it just sucks.

If you knew Rudy, you'll understand (and probably smile) when I say he often drove me nuts.  What you might not understand is how that's one of the things I miss most.

This is one of the looks Rudy would get on his face when he was about to cause trouble.