I have written this post at least 4 times now. Each time, I wrote from the heart and then erased it.
Whenever I think what I have to say would be helpful to other widows, I quickly shoot it down. I'm muddling through. I haven't found the magic widow survival keys. Some days I'm proud of the way I'm trying to live. Many days I just go through the motions. Some days I look into the future and feel hopeful. Many days I look into the future and feel incredibly sad. I don't know what I'm doing, but I keep trying and that's something.
So, to sum up how I'm doing at 9 months - I miss Rudy like crazy. I feel alone even in a crowd. I keep pedaling, but can't seem to get anywhere because I'm on a stationary bike.
I can't decide if I'm wasting my life right now or taking a much needed pause. I'm staying active, but holding back from real life. That description probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me. I'm happy something makes sense to me, because nothing much does right now. If that's confusing, it's probably because the writer (me) is seriously confused.